Accountability

I feel encouraged by what Jayce said today in cell. She said our buddy group would be moving into a phase of accountability, as in we will be placing special focus on accountability. High time too. Accountability has always been a problem in my cell. So many times I find the friendships I have in cell so...superficial. Just a smile and a Hi! how are you doing? on Saturdays and Sundays. Sure, it's fun and interesting at times, and the people there are certainly much better than those you find in school, but I just wish we could go deeper. At least I can say that when we ask each other how we're doing, we mean it.

I suppose it's partially due to the fact that we only see each other on Saturdays and Sundays. I believe a friendship takes more time and effort to truly form. Which is why I like what our buddy group's going to do. Church should be the place where you can have stable strong friendships to last you through the rest of your life. And a stable strong friendship is not going to form by coming every weekend and acting as though everyone's fine and dandy.

Friendship. What a simple yet profound term. Managing friendships sometimes seems like managing Cold War politics. I hope it never comes to that. I think I've grown markedly more paranoid about my friendships in the past four months. I sometimes find myself analysing the simplest, innocent gestures of people. And this habit of analysing and dissecting actions is growing more and more entrenched. I have to stop myself before I start viewing the world through the eyes of a chess grandmaster, methodically moving pieces across the board, carefully weighing every move.

Man is a social creature, and I am inclined to be socially dependent. I think it's always been in me to be dependent on my friends somewhat. I feel awkward when I'm alone. I guess I'm kind of a paradox. When I'm in a new environment I tend to be very quiet and introverted, hence appearing slightly antisocial. But then once I meet new friends something kicks into gear within me and my mouth just starts working. And then I feel very disoriented when my friends suddenly move out of my social orbit. Does this mean I'm insecure? I always thought I had a realistic opinion of myself, and to be sure I in no way look down on my abilities, academically and mentally. But perhaps my social insecurity reflects another deeper area of myself, which I have yet to pinpoint. How well do we know ourselves anyway? What kind of a person do you view me as?

I love chocolate. My mom brought back loads of chocolate from Europe. If chocolate be the food of love, eat on, my love, eat on.